What Not To Do With An Autistic Child
Parenting or caring for an autistic child can be deeply rewarding, but it also comes with unique challenges. While every autistic child is different, there are some common behaviors and practices that should be avoided to ensure the child’s well-being, growth, and sense of security. Understanding what not to do when interacting with an autistic child is just as important as knowing what to do.
In this article, we will explore several key actions and attitudes to avoid when supporting an autistic child. These recommendations are intended to help parents, caregivers, educators, and anyone else involved in the child’s life create a positive, nurturing, and accepting environment.
1. Don’t Force Eye Contact
One of the most common misconceptions about autism is that the child should be encouraged or even forced to maintain eye contact during conversations. While eye contact is often seen as a sign of respect or attentiveness in many cultures, many autistic individuals find it uncomfortable, overwhelming, or even painful.
Why You Shouldn’t:
- Forcing an autistic child to make eye contact can cause stress and anxiety.
- Many autistic individuals can focus better on what is being said when they are not required to make eye contact.
- Eye contact is not the only way to show that someone is engaged or listening.
What to Do Instead:
- Allow the child to engage in conversation in a way that feels comfortable to them, whether that includes looking away, focusing on an object, or using other forms of non-verbal communication.
2. Don’t Assume All Behaviors Are Due to Autism
It’s important not to attribute every behavior, difficulty, or success to autism. Autistic children, like all children, have individual personalities, preferences, and experiences that shape their behavior. Assuming that everything they do is “because of autism” is reductive and can prevent you from seeing the child as a whole person.
Why You Shouldn’t:
- This assumption can lead to overgeneralization and stereotyping.
- It may prevent you from understanding the real reasons behind certain behaviors, which might be related to other factors such as diet, sleep, or emotions.
- It can make the child feel defined solely by their diagnosis, which can impact their self-esteem.
What to Do Instead:
- View the child as an individual first, and recognize that autism is just one part of their identity.
- Approach behaviors with curiosity rather than assumption, and consider all possible factors influencing their actions.
3. Don’t Use Negative Reinforcement for Meltdowns
A meltdown is different from a tantrum. While tantrums are often deliberate and goal-oriented, meltdowns are involuntary responses to overwhelming sensory input, frustration, or emotional overload. Meltdowns are not something an autistic child can control, and using punishment or negative reinforcement in response to a meltdown can increase anxiety and worsen the situation.
Why You Shouldn’t:
- Punishing a child for a meltdown can make them feel misunderstood and unsupported.
- Negative reinforcement can escalate the behavior rather than help the child regain control.
- It can damage trust and make the child less likely to seek help when they feel overwhelmed.
What to Do Instead:
- Focus on de-escalation by creating a calm, quiet environment.
- Offer comfort and understanding without judgment.
- Help the child learn self-regulation strategies over time, such as deep breathing, using sensory tools, or taking breaks.
4. Don’t Ignore Sensory Sensitivities
Many autistic children experience heightened sensitivity to sensory stimuli, such as loud noises, bright lights, certain textures, or strong smells. Ignoring or downplaying these sensitivities can lead to distress, discomfort, or even meltdowns.
Why You Shouldn’t:
- Sensory sensitivities are real and can be physically painful or overwhelming for autistic individuals.
- Ignoring these sensitivities can lead to increased anxiety, avoidance of certain environments, or behavioral challenges.
- It can make the child feel invalidated and misunderstood.
What to Do Instead:
- Pay attention to the child’s sensory triggers and make accommodations when necessary. This could mean avoiding crowded, noisy places or providing noise-canceling headphones, dimming lights, or offering clothing made from softer fabrics.
- Create a sensory-friendly environment where the child feels safe and comfortable.
5. Don’t Speak About the Child as If They Aren’t There
It can be easy to fall into the habit of discussing an autistic child in their presence as though they are not listening or understanding. However, this can be harmful to the child’s sense of self-worth and may make them feel invisible or disrespected.
Why You Shouldn’t:
- Autistic children are often more aware of their surroundings than people realize, and they may understand more than they can express.
- Talking about a child in their presence as if they aren’t there can be hurtful and make them feel excluded.
- This behavior can affect the child’s confidence and sense of autonomy.
What to Do Instead:
- Always include the child in conversations that involve them, and speak to them directly whenever possible.
- Use clear, respectful language when discussing their needs or behaviors, and allow them to contribute to the conversation if they are able and willing.
6. Don’t Try to “Fix” or “Cure” Autism
Autism is not a disease or something that needs to be “fixed.” It is a neurological difference that influences how an individual experiences the world. Trying to “cure” autism or viewing the child as “broken” can lead to harmful interventions and negatively impact the child’s self-esteem.
Why You Shouldn’t:
- Autism is a lifelong condition and is a fundamental part of who the child is. Trying to “cure” it can make the child feel that they are not accepted for who they are.
- Many therapies that claim to “cure” autism are unscientific, and some can even be harmful to the child’s physical and emotional well-being.
- Viewing autism as something to be “fixed” can prevent you from valuing the child’s unique strengths and abilities.
What to Do Instead:
- Focus on supporting the child’s development by helping them build skills, confidence, and independence.
- Celebrate their strengths and achievements, and provide the tools they need to thrive.
- Embrace neurodiversity, which values the differences in how brains work and advocates for acceptance and inclusion of all neurological types.
7. Don’t Overwhelm the Child with Too Many Instructions
Autistic children may struggle with processing multiple instructions at once, especially if they are delivered in quick succession. Giving too many instructions at once can lead to confusion, frustration, and anxiety.
Why You Shouldn’t:
- Overloading the child with instructions can make them feel overwhelmed and lead to shutdowns or meltdowns.
- Processing delays are common in autism, and giving instructions too quickly doesn’t allow the child enough time to process and respond.
- It can create unnecessary stress and make learning or task completion more difficult.
What to Do Instead:
- Break tasks down into small, manageable steps and give one instruction at a time.
- Use visual aids or written instructions, as many autistic children respond well to visual cues.
- Allow the child time to process each instruction before moving on to the next one.
8. Don’t Assume They Don’t Want Social Interaction
While some autistic children may prefer to be alone at times, this doesn’t mean that they don’t want or need social interaction. Many autistic children enjoy being around others but may have difficulty with social cues, communication, or sensory overload in social situations.
Why You Shouldn’t:
- Assuming that an autistic child doesn’t want social interaction can lead to isolation or missed opportunities for the child to develop social skills.
- Autistic children may want to connect with others but struggle to initiate or maintain interactions in typical ways.
- Social development is important for all children, and autistic children benefit from positive, supportive social experiences.
What to Do Instead:
- Encourage social interaction in ways that are comfortable for the child, such as playing with a small group of familiar peers or engaging in structured activities that reduce social pressure.
- Respect their preferences for social interaction, but provide gentle opportunities for them to engage with others when they are ready.
- Teach social skills explicitly, such as turn-taking and reading body language, in a supportive and non-judgmental way.
9. Don’t Minimize or Dismiss Their Emotions
Autistic children may express emotions differently than neurotypical children, but their feelings are just as valid. Dismissing their emotions or telling them to “calm down” without offering support can make them feel unheard and misunderstood.
Why You Shouldn’t:
- Dismissing their emotions can invalidate their feelings and prevent them from learning how to express and manage emotions in a healthy way.
- Autistic children may not always be able to verbalize their feelings, but this doesn’t mean they aren’t experiencing them deeply.
- It can lead to frustration and escalate the emotional response if the child feels they aren’t being listened to.
What to Do Instead:
- Acknowledge their emotions, even if you don’t fully understand them, and offer support.
- Help them develop emotional regulation strategies, such as deep breathing, using sensory tools, or taking breaks when needed.
- Create a safe space for them to express their feelings in a way that works for them, whether through words, art, or movement.
Conclusion
Caring for an autistic child requires patience, understanding, and a commitment to supporting their unique needs. By avoiding certain behaviors and attitudes—such as forcing eye contact, dismissing their sensory sensitivities, or assuming they don’t want social interaction—you can help create a nurturing environment where they feel safe, respected, and valued.
Remember, every autistic child is different, and it’s important to approach them as individuals while recognizing that autism is just one part of who they are. By providing the right support and accommodations, you can help them thrive and reach their full potential.
